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May 2013

Inner Knowing

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The following post was written the day after I quit my yoga Teacher Training and the day before my mother suffered a massive stroke, April 16th. I just found it in my drafts.

I had such an experience of Inner Knowing that I just have to share.

First let me catch you up on the recovery, retreats and workshops I’ve attended in 2013. In addition to regular therapy, and equine therapy,  I tried EMDR a couple of times. Survivor Week at The Meadows in Arizona and SIA Retreat in Cape May, NJ were the long distance highlights. Best literature resources were Patrick Carnes The Betrayal Bonds, Don’t Call it Love, Pia Mellody The Intimacy Factor and audio inspiration was found via the ACA phone line meditations, speeches and readings. On that line, I found Lucia Cappachionne and her wonderful Journals and fascinating books.

Through the culmination of these therapies  and by journalling with my non-dominant hand, I’ve gotten a real sense of my Inner Chlid and Inner Wisdom. It’s taken almost 50 years, and today I know my truth. I have a profound sense of what’s right (and wrong for me).  What a gift!!

For example, I was about 3/4 of the way through a Yoga Teacher Training. I enrolled because Yoga and meditation have a been a meaningful path for my spiritual  and physical self. Yet, for all of the training, I felt super-stressed and dissatisfied with the growth of my practices.

It was only after the class took a significant break for Pesach and then returned to Class that I assessed whether the Class was the right place for me right now. Previously, I steam rolled over my discomfort and pushed myself through even though I wasn’t responding well to learning or being present in the class.  At home, I procrastinated  the homework and my own yoga practice suffered.  Procrastinate is not a word I can EVER remember using to describe myself!!

I journalled on the topic and was rewarded with absolute clarity! What a gift!

I realized that I don’t have to “make myself” finish this class!There are at least 50 excellent reasons why I “should,” yet I  CAN CHOOSE to let go of the “shoulds” and BE HAPPY right now, doing the myriad of things during class hours that I’ve been squeezing in between 4am- midnite. ie,meditating, parenting, exercising, baking, napping, learning, cooking, spacing out, therapy, reading, stitching, scrapbooking, sleeping!

Anyway, I just had to share! Doing what’s right for ME is a big win. It used to be that I couldn’t figure it out…..

Today I am grateful for Inner Knowing, choosing correctly and Peace!

On the horizon:  I’m getting out of town to celebrate my sister’s birthday with her in April. In May, I’m taking Equine Therapy Managing Emotions Workshop at Great Strides in Damascus, MD. And, in June, the Women’s Meditation Workshop in Baltimore, MD. Contact me for more details regarding any of the above resources!