Through it all
No matter the challenge
Whatever the stall
Confused but determined
Undermined by the past
Resentment always hovered
Finally, gone at last.
no parts collide
No key to ignite the ride.
A week of clear communication,
Then adored, a bouquet of love
Really long talk about the past
All gifts from above.
Gone the defenses
Free of disbelief
Energetically changed forever
Palpable, the relief.
Calm and relaxed
Settled, it’s nice.
Frantic chase done forever
no more just a roll of the dice.
I’m home. Free
Here. I’m good.
My Guide, thank you for bringing me
To my Self, knew you would.
I prayed for it for so long but
honestly I thought I was fucked and
would never see the light of day.
I got out of the tunnel-
the tunnel of despair.
Throughout much of my life
I have found myself in
this dark tunnel.
Dark, with no light
and no real sense of which direction to go.
Lonely, cold and scared
I mostly huddled in a ball,
miserable, panicked and crying.
Once in a while I would get up and stagger, walk or run.
Once in a while, I’d bump into others or they into me,
in that dark tunnel, and
I’d be even more scared, or
sometimes comforted that i was not alone.
A couple of years ago
I noticed a dim light, and since then
always headed towards it.
More recently, I noticed that light got brighter
and that there were lots of others in the tunnel,
And each person, each animal,
had its own light, some dim, some bright.
The tunnel got much easier to navigate
with companionship and light.
But it was still a tunnel
And living there was hard.
Last Thanksgiving, I got out of the tunnel.
It was brief, but it happened.
And I celebrated.
Then it happened again and again.
The tunnel of isolation, hopelessness and despair
is no longer my emotional home.
I no longer cry every single day in a curled up ball
I no longer blame myself and feel ashamed of my life.
The tunnel was my home.
I didn’t like it but it was what it was.
I’m out now, for however long.
Whether the sun is shining or it its raining rivers.
In the howling wind and the ice of winter,
I am making my new home on bridges.
Bridges of connection, bridges of support.
Bridges in the light of day.
Bridges in the street lights of night.
Bridges used to scare me.
As my step-brother jumped from one to his death.
But bridges offer so much choice.
So many beautiful options.
They can help us cross over obstacles.
I hope I can stay out of the tunnel
And enjoy my adventure on the bridge.
And if you are in the tunnel,
I invite you to join me.
If you feel I have left you behind,
I’m so sorry.
Please join me.
I’ll be waiting for you,
wind in my hair,
sun on my face,
ready to face life,
on the bridge.
May 11, 2014
Mother Bird, Mother Bird
I see you on the tree.
Mother Bird, Mother Bird.
Are you listening to Me?
I am Mothering myself this year.
May 25, 2014
a little girl.
one big swirl,
Kiss rational me
I keep it
The exertion is
Too much for me,
My body is
Scared to ask.
Scared to get.
Scared Love won’t
Feel like Love;
Sex is the only safe bet.
a little girl.
June 14, 2014
Small and high
Demanded his share.
Shot down, down there,
Made my life unfair.
Firm and round
Breasts were power
Used to attract
Got me used and deflowered.
And if ever approached from behind
I was reminded of that younger time
Any pleasure quickly became shame
Out of the body, I would climb.
Then heavy and large, for nine blessed years,
To six, these breasts fed life.
I lived to serve and I became
The Best Mother, The Best Wife.
Breasts used, and breasts given,
To men , as if they were toys.
Such confusion with uncle and husband,
Sustenance to the boys.
Now at fifty, breasts sag.
Discipline, nutrition and exercise
find me strong and youthful,
But when it comes to breasts,
That is that.
Victoria Secret bras enhance my look
So grateful for the lift,
And now I wonder and I dream
Can I give myself a gift?
A lift, implants, too expensive,
It’s surgery, requires care.
But all the inconvenience
Would mean I CHOOSE MY BREASTS,
If I dare!
They may no longer be natural
Some will judge, I won’t care.
Cause it’s my life and I get to choose
everything about my breasts,
If I dare……….