It’s been a long, cold, relentless Winter. And I’ve been on a journey, searching. Searching for something nameless. Searching each someone, for something, something……
I looked all around. In books, tapes, groups, community, religion, family, in the faces of children, in service, in substances, but that evasive something wasn’t there.
Traveling through the Winter of My Life, I survived metaphoric scalding days, torrential downpours, lightening, thunder, tsunamis, volcanoes, flooding, blizzards, frozen steep mountains. I’ve traveled far, far out of my comfort zone.
It was the earthquake that revealed the Something. The walls shattered my locked down heart and Something was revealed. What I yearned for wasn’t out there because the someone or something was my personal meaning and purpose. The Someone was me. The Something was my true thoughts and feelings.
I journeyed, and I found My Self. I found Myself. I found the Real Me. The Real Me lives inside my carefully concocted me.
Not until I traveled could I make peace with that which I feared the most: my tears, my pain, my anger, my shame. Not until I learned to acknowledge the younger parts of myself could I be here to listen, to hear, to understand, to accept, embrace, and nurture myself. Not until I became my own provider, protector, and lover could I see others independently, without the projections I had always cast clouding relationships.
Not until I journeyed and journeyed and journeyed within, did I begin to get to know myself. It’s been a difficult journey and one well worth taking.
I gratefully see signs of Spring.