I prayed for it for so long but
honestly I thought I was fucked and
would never see the light of day.
I got out of the tunnel-
the tunnel of despair.
Throughout much of my life
I have found myself in
this dark tunnel.
Dark, with no light
and no real sense of which direction to go.
Lonely, cold and scared
I mostly huddled in a ball,
miserable, panicked and crying.
Once in a while I would get up and stagger, walk or run.
Once in a while, I’d bump into others or they into me,
in that dark tunnel, and
I’d be even more scared, or
sometimes comforted that i was not alone.
A couple of years ago
I noticed a dim light, and since then
always headed towards it.
More recently, I noticed that light got brighter
and that there were lots of others in the tunnel,
And each person, each animal,
had its own light, some dim, some bright.
The tunnel got much easier to navigate
with companionship and light.
But it was still a tunnel
And living there was hard.
Last Thanksgiving, I got out of the tunnel.
It was brief, but it happened.
And I celebrated.
Then it happened again and again.
The tunnel of isolation, hopelessness and despair
is no longer my emotional home.
I no longer cry every single day in a curled up ball
I no longer blame myself and feel ashamed of my life.
The tunnel was my home.
I didn’t like it but it was what it was.
I’m out now, for however long.
Whether the sun is shining or it its raining rivers.
In the howling wind and the ice of winter,
I am making my new home on bridges.
Bridges of connection, bridges of support.
Bridges in the light of day.
Bridges in the street lights of night.
Bridges used to scare me.
As my step-brother jumped from one to his death.
But bridges offer so much choice.
So many beautiful options.
They can help us cross over obstacles.
I hope I can stay out of the tunnel
And enjoy my adventure on the bridge.
And if you are in the tunnel,
I invite you to join me.
If you feel I have left you behind,
I’m so sorry.
Please join me.
I’ll be waiting for you,
wind in my hair,
sun on my face,
ready to face life,
on the bridge.